Today was awful, except the MT tutorial in JE lib which was okay, followed by lunch at Mac in IMM with syafiq, zul, ashri and zaki. Then, went home by train and slept. Woke up and the 'awful' part which I mentioned earlier started.

Woke up at 7pm plus like that ah. Then, my mum was nagging at me for my 'sleeping attitude'. Then, suddenly she somehow linked it with my exam results. That means that she knew about my exam results already. My 2nd sis told her about it after she read my blog. So yeah, dinner sucked. Kena scolded like shit.

Then, my dad started to tell me that I can repeat sec4 if I continue to be like that. Whenever I heard the word 'repeat' or 'retain', I will broke into tears. Its really hurtful because all my effort put in my studies seemed to be invisible and that my family seemed to not believe or have the trust in me.

Then, they started to talk about ten-year series lah and even tuition. After that, I lost the appetite to eat dinner. All that I was thinking was 'repeating sec4'. Haiz.

Dad, if you want so much for me to retain, then that's what I'm doing now, with already 4 subjects failed and only 1 or 2 more subjects failed, and I'm on my way to repeating sec4. But, I thought that you people want me to do well, with so high expectations, such as me being a doctor, etc., but why give me this kind of negative attitude? Why are you people so pessimistic? Right now, I'm being optimistic and I always am. You should be lucky because if I were to be pessimistic, the real Asyraf will cease to exist.

And mum, why tuition? Don't you believe that I can do it by studying all by myself? I know that I can do it, just that I lack 'speed-writing' and a few more practices. So if I were to have tuition, what kind of life will I have? I'm gonna spend 18 hours studying and the remaining 6 hours sleeping and the whole cycle repeats itself. Such a boring life you know. If you care for me and you believe me, then just let me have my own way of studying and give me a bit of freedom. I'm just a human, not a machine. I can't study for so long and do nothing else.

If I have this kind of life, then, just forget about all those high expectations.

Forget about me being a doctor.

Forget about me getting 6As.

Or easier said, just forget about all my achievements and my ambitions.

Supposed to be studying now. But, the studying mood is gone. What's left for me tonight is just to ponder and wonder if I have done anything wrong that lead to my failure.